You know what really helped with the flailing? Telling him things. So he felt less like assuming was his only choice.

"So my history of . . . flinching . . . isn't great for her for that."

(You fucked it up like always and now neither of them will ever trust you again. Or they were worried about him and his known track record of irrational emotional reactions! Because you're a fuck up, yes.)

Okay, sometimes talking back to the intrusive thoughts worked better than others.