The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

Duke opened his mouth, twitching his head in a little shake. Then closed it again.

"Okay," he said after a moment. "Can we talk about why you won't talk to me about your feelings instead?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia was pretty sure she had, in fact, just done that. It felt like she had, anyway.

"What?"

[betterthanaplan]

"I've been trying to get a sense of where you're at and every time I ask a direct question, you seem to dodge and just say I'm going to do it anyway so it doesn't matter." Duke wanted to reach for her hand, but that way lay flinches and possible rejections. So he just held his out instead. "It does matter. I don't want to hurt you with this. It's . . . really frustrating. I'm trying really hard to not just make this about what I want and need."

[okteiviakom]

"And I am trying to leave you the space to get whatever it is you need," Octavia returned. She didn't really see the offered hand, staring the way she was at his face. "Without making a big deal out of this."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke closed his eyes, huffing a little laugh through his nose.

"We 'Gift of the Magi'd this." He opened his eyes again. "Thank you. For that. But my fucked up brain chemistry is trying to interpret it as you passive aggressively punishing me for doing what I want instead of what you want." His mother had done that a lot when he was a kid. Just shut down and stop talking to him -- stop taking care of him -- when he upset her. "And it's freaking me out."

[okteiviakom]

"I'm trying to protect you," Octavia replied, "from my immediate feelings. So it doesn't feel like I'm trying to... take away your choice or something."

Even if it was a choice she wasn't thrilled with. Even if she was very unsure she'd actually be able to change her feelings, even given time to process them.

[betterthanaplan]

"Yeah, that's --" Duke closed his eyes and let out a breath, hand curling into a fist and pulling back in towards his chest. "I really wish you wouldn't do that. Protect me by not telling me things. Even when I ask about them directly."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia crossed her arms over her chest.

Sighed.

"Do you want to be hurt?"

[betterthanaplan]

"If it means knowing what's going on with you?" Duke asked. "Then yes. I would rather be hurt."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia nodded. Fine, then.

"This feels unfair," she said. "It's the first time in a long time that I'm feeling fine about a vacation away from here, which I'm pretty sure both of you have been hoping for, and there's this."

She would've called it a curveball if she'd been a little more aware of sports-derived sayings like that.

"And I know it's probably irrational, because I know you've been sailing forever, but the whole idea makes me unconfortable, and then I feel more bad and uncomfortable thinking it is probably irrational, and I tried to get out of this conversation so I could just feel and figure out my feelings in peace before I have to share whatever you actually needed to know."

How was that for some word vomit, then?

[betterthanaplan]

"Okay," Duke said, nodding. That didn't sound entirely like it was him she'd been protecting, but it didn't seem like the time to bring that up. "I'm sorry it feels unfair. I knew you wouldn't be thrilled with the idea, but I was hoping that we could talk that through. Find ways maybe to make it less uncomfortable for you. I think . . . maybe we both tend to think things are always all or nothing -- your way or my way. But maybe that doesn't have to be how it is every time."

Dr. Shin had maybe coached him on some of this, yes.

[okteiviakom]

He was free to think back on recent conversations for reasons why Octavia would think he might react with hurt to her calling something like this unfair.

"Does any of that leave me a choice of having the conversation when I've actually had time to think about it?"

[betterthanaplan]

Her willingness to admit that her reactions could be irrational, instead of letting him think that she was blaming him for them instead, helped out there a lot.

"Sure," Duke said. "Now that I know why and that you're not -- punishing me."

No really, his mom -- and Evi, for that matter -- had done shit like that all the time.

[okteiviakom]

"Okay," Octavia replied, still vaguely frustrated in her tone, but it was residual and hopefully would pass, "so now can we leave it?"

[betterthanaplan]

And Duke was going to do his best to read that for what it was and not, say, frustration that she couldn’t manipulate him to get her way.

“Yeah. What do you want to do instead?”

[okteiviakom]

Thankfully oblivious to any thoughts that she might've been manipulating him when all she'd really wanted had been space to think, Octavia just breathed for a beat.

And then unfurled her arms, and held them out. Invitation, offering, take your pick.

[betterthanaplan]

See above, re: his history with his mother and Evi. And also most of Haven. Oh, and feeling crazy. So yeah.

"I can work with that," he said. And leaned into her arms, wrapping his own around her as he did.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia tugged him in firmly as soon as he began to lean her way, and wrapped her arms tight around his waist.

No reason.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke closed his eyes and rubbed her back.

He hoped that she saw that conversation as as much of a win as he did. They'd managed not to raise their voices! They'd defused things by talking!

Well. Dr. Shin, at least, would be proud.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia was just trying to remind herself of how his arms felt around her. The rubbing at her back, her face near the curve of his neck, the fabric of his shirt under her hands. How he smelled. The warmth of him.

Just generally breathing him in, through every sense.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke kissed her hair. "How are you feeling otherwise?" he asked after a moment. "I do want to know, you know. Even when it's not good."

[okteiviakom]

"I'm fine," Octavia muttered. "There's nothing in particular going on."

The odds of her having any other reply ready to go while her feelings over... everything now were still settling had been slim, to be fair.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded, still rubbing her back. “Okay.”

He had every intention of taking her at her word as much as possible.

“Get up to anything fun today?”

[okteiviakom]

Something in Octavia's shoulders relaxed a fraction, at not being pressed to talk more about how she was feeling, right now. "Took a walk along some of the beaches," she replied. "Watched porgs."

[betterthanaplan]

"That sounds really nice," Duke said. "I kind of miss the porgs."

They still lived all over the ship. They'd just decided to give him a pretty wide berth, lately.