The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[my_own_advocate]

"Fuck?" Lucifer called, inquisitively, as he slipped back out of his closet-room and into the hallway.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke huffed softly. It was like a summoning spell!

"Just, uh. Doing some research."

Somatization. Depersonalization.

Yep, he identified with way too much of this.

[my_own_advocate]

Oh great. Now Lucifer was concerned, and he looked the part as he entered the galley.

"... About something that will bite us in the arse at the nearest convenience?

[betterthanaplan]

"Something that already has," Duke said. "My fucked up brain."

[my_own_advocate]

"Ah," Lucifer said. He sank down into a seat by Duke. "Therapy?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Therapy," Duke agreed. "Dr. Shin gave me a diagnosis." He set his phone down, the wiki for C-PTSD still open on the screen. "And it's complex."

[my_own_advocate]

"Ah," Lucifer said again, squinting at Duke's phone. "That sounds... complicated?"

[betterthanaplan]

"No, complex," Duke said with a snort. Was inappropriate humor a symptom? . . . No. Well, at least he had that.

[my_own_advocate]

"... So what does that mean?"

[betterthanaplan]

"That Mom and Dad -- and Haven -- fucked me up but good," Duke said with a sigh. "Apparently it's PTSD so bad it actually warps your personality. Comes with misdirected anger outbursts, avoidant tendencies, anxiety, depression. . . ."

Sounding familiar yet, Luce?

[my_own_advocate]

Well, wasn't that everybody?

"Isn't that most humans?" Lucifer asked quizzically.

[betterthanaplan]

"I'm guessing no, since, uh. They went ahead and gave it an acronym." Duke shook his head. "I can't decide if it's a relief to know it's a thing or if I'm mad. Because it's a thing. That makes me sound like a crazy person."

Dr. Shin did not approve of that word, Duke!

[my_own_advocate]

"I mean technically it's merely labeling the kind of crazy that you have had almost your entire life, by the sounds of it," Lucifer offered. "And Linda prefers not to use the word 'crazy' at all."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia had been out. Not in the woods, not when it was already evening and she couldn't feel entirely in control of what she was touching at any given moment. Instead, she'd walked along the beaches, staying near the water.

And now she was back. Shrugging off her jacket as soon as she was in, then kicking off her boots, calling oput a general, "I'm home!" as she did.

[betterthanaplan]

"Hi, Home, I'm insane."

Duke. A dad joke and a pejorative? Maybe ease back a little.

[okteiviakom]

Well. It was a great way to make sure Octavia was giving him a very confused look as she padded her way into the galley.

"... What?"

[betterthanaplan]

"I'm crazy. Bonkers. An absolute nutso." Duke, stop. "Dr. Shin figured out what's wrong with me."

[okteiviakom]

"I don't... think he's supposed to tell you that in those words," Octavia hazarded.

A little bit of something gentle mixing in with the still-present confusion.

"Also pretty sure that's not true."

[betterthanaplan]

"I looked up the symptoms and it seems pretty true," Duke said. "But, yeah, Dr. Shin would definitely not approve of my description."

[okteiviakom]

"So... what's going on?" Octavia asked as she stepped up to him. "Start from the beginning."

[betterthanaplan]

"I have a diagnosis," Duke said. "And I don't know what to think about it. Which . . . might be a symptom of what I've been diagnosed with."

Being unable to identify his emotions was a type of emotional dysregulation, right? Or maybe it was part of depersonalization?

He should not have read that wiki.

[okteiviakom]

"Right," Octavia replied, slowly. "Is it going to help me understand anything if I ask what it is?"

Because, you know. She already lived with him. A lot of the ways whatever it was presented itself, she was probably already very familiar with.

[betterthanaplan]

"No idea," Duke said with a shrug. "Worth a shot, I guess." He took a deliberate breath. "Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. For when regular PTSD just won't cut it. Symptoms include hyper-vigilance, depression, anxiety, avoidant behaviors, and oh yeah, our personal favorite, an inability to properly direct anger."

That was not how that was generally phrased. Though it wasn't inaccurate for him at the moment.

[okteiviakom]

"Wow," Octavia said, more in the face of getting a list than anything else. "Did he give you a pamphlet or something?"

Or had he been stress-reading things online?

[betterthanaplan]

“I googled,” Duke said. “It’s . . . apt.”