The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

You know what really helped with the flailing? Telling him things. So he felt less like assuming was his only choice.

"So my history of . . . flinching . . . isn't great for her for that."

(You fucked it up like always and now neither of them will ever trust you again. Or they were worried about him and his known track record of irrational emotional reactions! Because you're a fuck up, yes.)

Okay, sometimes talking back to the intrusive thoughts worked better than others.

[my_own_advocate]

... Yeah, so Octavia had tried to tell him things, as far as Lucifer could see, and Duke had hyperfocused on his own feelings, so...

"No," Lucifer agreed, oblivious to Duke's mental diatribes (or this conversation might have involved more smacking). "Neither is how sensitive she can be about being perceived. So I walked her through a version of how this could work for us all."

He leaned back a touch.

"She agreed," he said. "And she wants to try. Frankly, we've all been leaving this one unhandled for too long."

[betterthanaplan]

"Can you walk me through it, too?" Duke asked.

Octavia had told him that he was hyperfocused on his own feelings. But not really much of anything about what her feelings were. She was not at all great at telling him what her feelings were, even when asked directly. It was kind of a Thing.

[my_own_advocate]

That, ah.

That seemed to be a with-Duke problem. Possibly a Duke-shouting-over-her problem.

"Of course," Lucifer said, relaxing a touch. "Recently, we've been exploring... her being seen. Exposed. And you both like being ordered around, so I thought we could... make a game of that. Make you undress her. Make you look."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke interpreted it as a "Duke is fragile so we can't tell him things" problem and was doing his best not to be too pissed off about it.

He hummed thoughtfully. "That could work. Being ordered around can be fun, though . . . I like the ropes better."

They were erotic for him in completely different ways, really.

He grimaced. "Not to make this all about me, again."

[my_own_advocate]

"Oh, I plan to work that in," Lucifer said, eyeing him. "But this wouldn't be about us going everywhere all at once. We need a trust and a comfort between all three of us that clearly isn't there yet."

[betterthanaplan]

"Yeah," Duke agreed. "That is definitely something to work on." He sighed, leaning into Lucifer again. "Do you think . . . can you ask her if it's alright if you tell me a bit about what you two do together?"

[my_own_advocate]

"I can, and I floated it by her earlier, actually," Lucifer said, though he sounded a touch wary. "Why, though? Are you planning to run it through your brain like some stupid bloody film about what you haven't been a part of?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke stiffened, but forced himself to breath through it.

"Because I want to know what's going on with my snogon," he said softly. "I want to know what gets her going, even if she doesn't want me to be an active part of it."

He wanted to stop feeling like the spare in a relationship he'd been the one to suggest in the first place.

(You fucked that one up too, remember? the intrusive voice said gleefully. Duke shoved it back down.)

"Also, it might be kind of hot. Like . . . if you told me about it while you were tying your fancy knots."

[my_own_advocate]

"I'd be happy to do that, but-- she wants you to be a part of it," Lucifer said, expelling an exhale. "You're just--"

He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Darling, I love you," he said, "But I need you to both realize that Octavia's sexual preferences are not about you, and that figuring out one's kinks and how to work them into a relationship to everyone's mutual benefit is a process that you have to allow to occur naturally." He dropped his hand. "And it feels like you're putting so much significance on this that you can't let yourself do so."

He really wished he had a drink right now.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke stiffened again, sitting up.

(He loves you, but you have to change to earn it. Shut. UP.)

"Yeah," he said. "None of this about me. That's been made abundantly clear."

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer's eyes rolled up towards the ceiling.

"Oh, for Me's sake," he snapped. "Duke, you cannot both feel bad about not being included and yet refuse to do the work that being included entails! What, did you think Octavia and I just magically opened a door to extra special fetish land one day?"

He leaned back, eyeing the man.

"Octavia wants to tell you what she's into," he said. "I've said that so many times in the past five minutes, you haven't acknowledged it, I feel like I'm bloody losing my mind. We are both just waiting for you to let her."

[betterthanaplan]

"Stop telling me I'm doing everything wrong then!" Duke burst out. "Yes, I feel left out. And it hurts. And being told that it shouldn't hurt doesn't make it not hurt!"

He shoved himself up from the table to pace.

"I'm fine doing the work, Luce, I'm happy to do the work, I don't think I've said anything that should make you think I don't want to do the work. But right now it feels like all I am doing is work while you two hold up scores like you're Olympic judges."

[my_own_advocate]

"Duke, we are trying to help you," Lucifer said flatly. "I am not telling you you are doing everything wrong, I am trying to help you do things right, and it is very disconcerting and concerning when your only response to that is 'stop making me feel bad'."

[betterthanaplan]

“Telling me to do it right is just telling me I’m wrong but nicer.” Duke jammed his hand into his hair and fisted it. “I sound insane.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer let out a loud sigh.

"Duke, when are you going to accept that we both want you to succeed?" he asked.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke sat back down, a bit further from Lucifer than before.

“You say that stuff, and to me it sounds like . . . I’m not enough.” His hand was still buried in his hair. “And — I only just realized I was even hearing that and not just feeling it. And it freaks me out and I just start yelling. Like I’m trying to get you to leave me.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer looked at him. "Well, one, it's not that easy to get me to leave you," he said. "Two, you are enough. This is just... sensitive terrain. The number of cock-ups I made with her in this at the start is... astounding. So I want to help."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke let go of his hair to spread his hands. “That’s part of what I want to know, man! I want to hear about what I’ve missed. I want to know more than ‘Octavia has something so sacred she won’t even tell me what it is’ and it’s really hard to maintain a positive attitude when the woman you love doesn’t trust you even that much. That she thinks not telling me things about herself is protecting me.”

[my_own_advocate]

"And I am trying to tell you she wants to tell you about the sex," Lucifer told him frankly. "She feels like she can't because you keep talking over her about how left out you feel and what you'd rather be doing. A bit like telling me you prefer ropes right after I lay out a carefully-negotiated plan to help bring you into that part of our relationship."

[betterthanaplan]

“I caught myself on that one,” Duke pointed out. He leaned back in his seat and sighed.

“That’s not how the ‘left out’ thing came up. We’d touched on you two, yeah, but the conversation had moved on. She was —“ He cut himself off with a grimace and rephrased it. “— I remember thinking she was criticizing me. That she thought I was weak, so she wouldn’t tell me things. About her trouble, not sex stuff. That’s when I said I felt left out. The sex stuff came up again, but that wasn’t what I was focused on.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. He’d ultimately felt that had been one of their more successful conversations of late, but she’d turned to Lucifer with it. Which felt like more being left out.

“I hate not being told things, especially’ for my own good’. But like. That’s why I asked you to see if you could tell me: I was trying to respect that she didn’t want to. But then I’m getting —“ another cut off “— I feel like I’m getting — a lecture on going too fast and expecting too much. For just wanting to see if I could hear about some things.”

A beat.

“. . . And also asking for a little of my current preferred kink to be in the mix too. Which is gauche, but I am a sailor.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer leaned back, a subconscious mirroring of Duke. "The reason I have been pushing back on you here," he said, searching for a delicate sort of phrasing he did not feel he was good at, "is because I think you are thinking about this from the wrong angle, and it's leading to a number of unforced errors."

Had he mentioned he wished he had a drink right now?

"I understand that you feel left out. That you are doing your best, and it is frustrating when that best does not get you the reaction you were hoping for," he said. "The problem is that you are doing the best you think you should be doing, not what we're actually telling you we'd prefer. The sex is a good example. I am offering you a chance to see, experience, and understand this part of her, so you can explore it with her - and with me - in whatever way works best for the two of you later. And yet your immediate first thought is to ask about how you can make it more about what you like."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shook his head. “Yeah, I get you want me to be better. That you think that I think too much. But you’re so busy telling me what you think my reaction should have been, it’s like you’re not listening to what I’m saying now.”

He looked at Lucifer. “I am hurt. I’m trying to tell you about it instead of continuing to push it down. And I’m not going to apologize for asking for something I would like in a sex scene I am supposed to participate in.”

[my_own_advocate]

Right, now Lucifer wanted a drink just so he could throw it.

"Duke," Lucifer said slowly, "I have acknowledged that you feel hurt. Much like, as far as I'm aware, Octavia has acknowledged that you feel hurt. I don't know what else you want me to bloody say besides 'yes, all of your proposed solutions for this are correct'."

[betterthanaplan]

“You acknowledged it? Or you said ‘okay but’ and then tried to explain why I shouldn’t be? Because the second one is what I’m hearing. And it’s not helping.”