The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

Duke took a long breath, arms around his middle now.

“Thank you.”

He ducked his head, riding the wave of shame that came with realizing how hard he’d been freaking out.

“I’m sorry I yelled.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer expelled a breath. "I'm sorry if I got a bit... shirty... along the way," he also offered.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke huffed softly. “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.” He ran his hand through his hair — gently this time. “And, uh. I know I can sound pretty crazy right now.”

[my_own_advocate]

"You're not crazy, love," Lucifer said, watching him a touch longer. "We just... appear to be having different conversations. And I'm not sure what happened."

A pause.

"Can you walk me through what happened?"

[betterthanaplan]

“. . . No?” Duke said. “I told you what it sounded like from my end, Luce. I was angry, but I wasn’t making that up. You and Octavia, you found some kind of . . . shorthand or something. And I’m just not there.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Right," Lucifer said slowly. "But I didn't intend to say the things you heard me say, so I am trying to understand where this went wrong."

[betterthanaplan]

“I’m not trying to be a dick here. And I’m not stupid. But I can’t tell you what went wrong, man. Not any clearer than I’ve already tried.” He was tearing up again, but doing his best to breathe through it. “I know I . . . broke your trust. But I think this goes deeper than that. You — it feels like you keep trying to fix me.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer wanted to point out that it felt like Duke kept making unforced errors, and that it seemed obvious why, and that he just wanted to explain it to Duke clearly enough so he'd stop hurting himself (and them) so frequently. But that clearly hadn't helped. So.

He didn't.

He just had no idea how to address this otherwise.

"Okay," he said. "I see. That was not my intention."

[betterthanaplan]

“I know,” Duke said. “But you weren’t listening when I tried to tell you. You just — doubled down and told me that I was wrong.” His voice broke a little on the last word. “I wasn’t trying to talk about right or wrong. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer took a deep breath. He let it slip out of him slowly. (It hurt seeing Duke like this.)

"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought-- well. I thought we all already know how you feel, so let's make it better, I thought. Clearly not my greatest of calls."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded back. He still wasn’t sure Lucifer got it — but Lucifer probably felt the same about him.

“I don’t . . . actually know if I’m ready for a full scene with you two,” he admitted very softly. “That’s why I asked about just hearing about it. You and Octavia keep talking about what a giant thing this is for her — Luce, I didn’t even know you two were doing things like that until you showed me her room. At this point, I just want to learn about it. How was I supposed to know it was such a big thing for her if neither of you say so until you’re telling me I’m handling it wrong?”

[my_own_advocate]

"I... Assumed," Lucifer said slowly, "That considering you used to do these things with her, and Octavia is so... Octavia, you would understand how complicated this is." He met Duke's gaze. "That isn't an accusation. It just didn't occur to me that you knew that little."

[betterthanaplan]

“That was years ago,” Duke said, shaking his head. “Both of us are different people now. And she’s never seemed to want to talk to me openly about any of it. Not the bunker, not her therapy, not even her damn trouble. And of course when we finally do I fuck it up, I’m fucked up.”

He wanted to pace again, but worried if he did he’d start yelling. So he curled in on himself instead.

“So I flinch. And she freezes. And we never talk about it again. How am I supposed to know that’s not forever if she doesn’t tell me?”

Ah. There was the real frustration. This was , if not the heart, a major artery of the problem.

[my_own_advocate]

"Now there," Lucifer said slowly, "Is a complicated question."

He looked up at the window.

"Octavia and I didn't develop shorthand in a day," he said. "In fact, we adopted the stoplight system to help deal with some of our communication failures."

[betterthanaplan]

“So we need to work on that ourselves,” Duke said. “I‘ve been rushing to try to catch up — and you two are seeing it as me going too fast.”

[my_own_advocate]

"We want you to be a part of this," Lucifer said quietly. "It's just-- do you know how the ropes make you feel? It's not just about sex, is it?"

[betterthanaplan]

“It makes me feel safe in a way I haven’t before,” Duke said. “When I told her that . . . she told me I needed more therapy.”

Which, well. At least he’d found Dr. Shin after that.

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, I'm sorry about that."

Lucifer leaned back, trying to get to his initial point.

"On date nights, Octavia and I seek out that safe spot for her," he said. "It's rarely the same. Sometimes she craves control. Other times, to be humiliated. Or to be made... Small. We're always searching for the right... Vibe."

He looked at Duke. "Your needs, now we've found them, are delightfully uncomplicated in comparison," he said. "Not that I think Octavia's are a burden, but... It's... Fulfilling. For me. To know I can provide that."

[betterthanaplan]

“I’m glad. It’s been really good for me, too.” Duke flicked him a timy, tired, but warm smile, then sighed. “I tried to ask her. What makes her feel safe. She seemed insulted by the implication that she didn’t already.” He rubbed his face. “I try to anticipate her needs and she freezes up. Because I’m running over her feelings. So I try to ask and she freaks out about that too. Says she doesn’t want to talk. It’s like I hurt her once so now she holds me at arms length—but refuses to let me go. And I don’t know what to do and I get so frustrated and I explode.”

[my_own_advocate]

"She wants to talk to you, Duke," Lucifer said. Looking at his face again. "But unfortunately the one way you two are similar is that you need time to find the right words."

[betterthanaplan]

“I hope it’s that. I really do.” Duke looked at Lucifer in return. “I’m just having a little trouble believing it.” He sat back. “We really have been making progress, though. Neither of us has walked out. We try to end things on a nice note, not let things fester.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Do you want advice?" Lucifer asked. Still watching him.

[betterthanaplan]

Another little smile. “Thank you,” Duke said. “But, uh. No. That maybe isn’t a good idea right now. I’m just. Glad you’re listening.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, I'm here if you change your mind," Lucifer said easily. "I'm also here for questions, if you have them. I can't go too deeply into the weeds, but I can tell you more."

[betterthanaplan]

“Thanks,” Duke said again, finally starting to relax a bit. “I will probably have several. Especially after some time on my own.”