The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

“Oh god no,” Duke said. “I’m pretty sure he calls it ‘the C word’. I just — it’s common enough to have a name.”

He wasn’t supposed to be common! He was a unique snowflake or something!

[my_own_advocate]

"And that's a problem?" Lucifer prompted.

He was earnestly trying to figure this out.

[betterthanaplan]

“Apparently?” Duke shrugged. “I can’t really explain it either. I mean it’s also nice to know I’m not alone, but. Yeah, I don’t know. Like if someone else showed up to Port in an old fishing trawler turned live-aboard. That’s my thing.”

[my_own_advocate]

"It's not the best thing to have, though. Is it?" Lucifer said.

[betterthanaplan]

“You two are the first people I’ve found who do more than put up with me even when I’m not useful,” Duke said. “It’s a terrible thing to have. But making the best out of terrible is . . . pretty much how I’ve survived.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Hm," Lucifer said, and squeezed his hand. "Are you a tad antsy about perhaps letting that go?"

[betterthanaplan]

“That’s . . . a possibility.”

It was hitting the nail on the head.

[my_own_advocate]

"Scared of catastrophe?"

[betterthanaplan]

“Scared . . . I’m stuck. Like this.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Like what?" Lucifer asked, giving him a little nudge with his shoulder.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke swayed with the nudge and ended up leaning on him. “Feeling crazy.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer's hand slipped away from Duke's, and around Duke's shoulders instead. "You're not," he said. "I can say that much."

[betterthanaplan]

“It definitely doesn’t feel that way.” Duke sighed, dropping his head onto Lucifer’s shoulder. “But if I fix it . . . who will I even be?”

[my_own_advocate]

"Yourself with a great fewer hang-ups and an ability to actually let yourself be happy?" Lucifer offered. His hand came up to rub gently at Duke's shoulder.

[betterthanaplan]

“Well. When you put it that way. . . .”

Duke sighed. He had an idea, one that appealed to him so much it hurt. But one that neither of his partners would like.

“If we go to the Bahamas,” he said, “I want to sail down. Alone. And meet you there.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer tilted his head. "... How long would that take?"

[betterthanaplan]

"If I use the motor when the winds aren't great . . . handful of days. Let's say five."

[my_own_advocate]

"Well," Lucifer said slowly, "That's... less than ideal... for Christmas..."

[betterthanaplan]

"Ah." Duke hadn't thought of that. Christmas was kind of sneaking up on him this year. "Well. Maybe I'll sail back then? I just -- I really want some time alone out on the water. Ideally without you two freaking out the whole time."

[my_own_advocate]

"Right," Lucifer said, "And I'll happily support this, except..."

He held out a hand. "'Handful' and 'five' are two very different concepts, I do hope you realize that."

[betterthanaplan]

"Five fingers? Handful?" Duke said with a soft huff. "Between you and Tavi, you're going to give me a complex."

[my_own_advocate]

"Five days is a long time at sea," Lucifer pointed out. "Are you sure this isn't one of those things where you have an epiphany with a good idea and then you're so pleased about the epiphany that you sprint straight past the good idea and off a cliff?"

Because Lucifer had some experience with that!

[betterthanaplan]

“Not when you put it that way,” Duke said. “I just. I think I need time to decompress. Your date nights and my giant fog of doom aside, I haven’t spent much time alone in . . . I don’t know how long. Sailing to the Bahamas seemed better than just going ‘heading to sea, see you later.’ At least this way there’s a goal.”

[my_own_advocate]

"I would honestly feel more comfortable with 'heading to see for a day or two, see you then'," Lucifer admitted. "Because you do... remember about the ocean, right? There's quite a bit of it. And it's December."

[betterthanaplan]

"I used to live there, hon," Duke pointed out. "I'm well aware."

The danger aspect -- and the fact that Duke knew he knew how to mitigate it -- was a big draw, honestly.