American Visionary Art Museum, Baltimore, Wednesday

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked up thoughtfully at the fifteen foot pink poodle that stared out through the windowed wall opposite the front doors to the American Visionary Art Museum. The wall behind him glinted in the bright sunlight, thanks to the massive mosaic that covered it, made of broken glass, metal, and miscellaneous found objects.

"This is already my favorite art museum, ever."

[for him who is downtown with him, or texts or calls or what-have-you!]

Comments

[my_own_advocate]

Any comments pointing out that the age difference between Lucifer and literally anyone else he'd ever slept with was vastly greater than that died about midway into the rest of what Duke was saying.

Curiously, the rest of it made him feel something almost like fear. He didn't understand that at all. Coupled with it was an impulse to let go of Duke's hand, but he stopped himself from doing so just in time.

The rest of him felt deeply out of his depth, and he was silent as he stared at the picture and groped for anything he'd ever been through that might be helpful.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke would not have interpreted Lucifer letting his hand go well just now, no.

“I feel like an asshole saying that,” he said, once it was clear Lucifer wasn’t going to speak yet. “You don’t just break up with someone because they’re depressed.”

And he loved her, and didn’t want to lose her.

[my_own_advocate]

The silence lasted just a bit longer.

"You know," Lucifer said at last, sounding unsure, as if he was figuring out every word right before he said it. "You wouldn't have liked me five years ago."

He wasn't sure where he was going with this, yet. Just-- thinking.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked over at him, surprised.

It was his turn to silently wait, to see where this was going.

[my_own_advocate]

"When I decided to stay on Earth, I thought I had it all figured out," Lucifer said. "I would cast off the chains my Father had put on my heart and soul, disdainfully wave my angelic nature out the door, and in doing so, I would be free. Not just of Hell, but of everything--"

He sucked in a breath.

"Of all that everyt-- of all that trauma," he said, switching to-- a more honest word. "So I partied for years and while sometimes one of you humans couldn't help but tug at my heartstrings, most of the time, I didn't care if it hurt anyone. Whatever I wanted to do seemed magnitudes greater than what other people might need from me."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke didn't think that sounded so much like someone he wouldn't like. It did sound like someone he'd have just slept with on occasion without worrying about any closer attachments, though.

"So . . . what changed?" he asked, rather than say that out loud. (He didn't like thinking about not feeling . . . attached . . . to Lucifer.) "Was it Chloe?"

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer made a soft noise of affirmation. "Something about her made me want to care more," he said. "See, I hadn't freed myself from my pain, all this-- running around chasing things I wanted, that felt like I needed them, that-- was actually a part of it. Of pain. And self-loathing, obviously, as we found out last year."

He cleared his throat.

"But wanting to care doesn't make you better at it," he said. "I had to learn to see past my pain so I could be a good partner to the Detective. A better friend to-- an alarmingly increasing amount of people. And while I was learning, I hurt them. Quite a bit."

[betterthanaplan]

"So . . . I need to be patient with Octavia, because she's still learning." Duke nodded. "Yeah, kinda been doing that for awhile now."

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer sighed. "No," he said. That word came quick.

The rest of it, less so.

"I mean, ideally, you would be patient with her," he said. "But times are never ideal, and it's right to say it when it's unfair to you, no matter how big and sad her eyes might get. You know--" His eyes darted to Duke, then back to the art, "You are an incredible human being. It's like every time someone inflicts pain on you, you come back determined to care more. And you already know I worry-- I worry you're going to snuff yourself out doing it."

[betterthanaplan]

"Not every time," Duke said softly. "Not every person."

He watched Lucifer for a very long time, debating whether or not to finish voicing his thoughts out loud. Debating how Lucifer would take it.

If he'd end up scaring the man off. Or revealing more than he meant to.

Finally, he took a deep breath and thought fuck it. If this burned everything down he'd just -- have to deal.

"Just. With the people I love."

[my_own_advocate]

"Yes, well. Those can hurt you the worst," Lucifer said quietly.

Perhaps whatever implications laid in Duke's words had simply bounced off of his dense head. Or perhaps they'd gone where they did whenever Octavia was explicit about it, that tiny place deep inside of himself labeled unworthy where pretty declarations went to die.

Whichever it was, he didn't seem rattled. Just thoughtful.

"I'm not saying you should break up with her, to be clear," he said. "Just that I understand, I suppose. Why something like this makes you feel that way."

[betterthanaplan]

Well. At least Duke hadn't scared him off.

He looked at the art again.

"What do you think I should do?"

[my_own_advocate]

"In case you didn't realize from my prior monologue, I'm generally more on the Octavia end of these kinds of problems," Lucifer pointed out. "But... I do know she knows she did wrong, here. So you should at least talk to her, and..."

And what?

Could he think of anything else that might be helpful?

"And focus more on the things that make you happy that don't revolve around her, I suppose."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke huffed softly through his nose. "Saying stuff like that is how you'll end up dragged out on a fishing boat later."

[my_own_advocate]

"You know what the really irritating thing is about years of therapy and personal growth?" Lucifer said. "That I would let you. Which is perverse, objectively speaking."

[betterthanaplan]

"We could rent a skipjack," Duke said, cheering up with the teasing. "Go oystering."

[my_own_advocate]

"Oystering, he says," Lucifer groaned. "Of course I saved us both from a week of hormonal torment on the island only to run straight into your genuine bizarre kinks."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke laughed, full-bellied and loud.

[my_own_advocate]

(That was good, Lucifer registered in the back of his head. Laughing. And not the desperate kind Duke sometimes fell into.)

"Was this museum not enough for you to get your rocks off?" Lucifer asked him, fighting his mouth's desire to twitch into a smile.

He was unsuccesful.

[betterthanaplan]

"Nope," Duke said cheerfully. "Think of this as . . . foreplay."

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, you're not getting Jesus's sandy love mountain anywhere near my parsnip," Lucifer informed him.

[betterthanaplan]

"There are just so many levels of innuendo to unpack there," Duke said, chuckling. "Okay, we'll move further away from the Christian hippies. Check out the gift shop, maybe."

It was sure to be tacky as all hell.

[my_own_advocate]

"You're going to buy things, aren't you," Lucifer said, no question mark involved. "Go on, let's see what you're going to be torturing me with."

And with that, Duke got a playful shove towards next section.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke laughed again, less heartily but just as honest, and headed down the hall. Veering playfully over to shove Lucifer back.