The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

"Um." Duke scrolled through the site. ". . . Establish safety, mourn your losses, and reconnect with your community. For safety it says 'this stage might involve the need for major life changes for some patients.'" He wrinkled his nose. "I'm guessing Haven's tendency to, you know, kidnap me might make that extra hard."

[my_own_advocate]

"Major life change: no more Haven," Lucifer said. "I could live with that."

[betterthanaplan]

"So could I," Duke said. "Doesn't mean I'm willing to bet on it."

No, really, it was very hard to feel completely safe when he'd literally woken up in Haven without warning.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer sighed. "So essentially what your therapist has uncovered is that we need Haven to stop kidnapping you all the time so you can feel safe and process all of this," he said. "Not exactly a surprise."

[betterthanaplan]

"No," Duke agreed. "It's just. It weirds me out that it has a name."

[my_own_advocate]

"Mm," Lucifer said. "A diagnosis."

Funnily enough, Linda had always resisted giving him one, for some reason.

He reached for Duke's arm, settling his hand on Duke's wrist.

[betterthanaplan]

"In the book and everything." Duke frowned and shrugged. "I mean, I'm assuming. I don't have a copy of the DSM whatever number to reference."

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, neither does anyone on this ship, so I think we'll just take it as stated," Lucifer said. "Bloody weird."

[betterthanaplan]

"I am," Duke agreed. "Diagnostically and everything."

Joking about it was a form of coping, right?

[my_own_advocate]

"Do you want to talk about it more, or do you want a distraction?" Lucifer inquired.

[betterthanaplan]

"I don't know," Duke admitted. "I'm not sure how well a distraction would work right now. I keep seeing 'complex!' flashing in my mind."

That wasn't a symptom. That was just Duke's way of processing right now.

[my_own_advocate]

"Ah," Lucifer said. "Yes, I don't know of any cure for that bar alcohol."

He did, however, use the excuse to slide his hand in Duke's.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke squeezed his hand in return and offered him a wan smile. “Thanks for offering, anyway.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Just... trying to help," Lucifer said, matching that smile with a small one of his own. "So how do you feel?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shrugged. “Confused? Relieved?” He shook his head. “Vaguely insulted?”

Scared?

“I really don’t know.”

[my_own_advocate]

"The therapist didn't actually call you crazy out loud, did he?" Lucifer checked.

What? 'Insulted' seemed odd in context.

[betterthanaplan]

“Oh god no,” Duke said. “I’m pretty sure he calls it ‘the C word’. I just — it’s common enough to have a name.”

He wasn’t supposed to be common! He was a unique snowflake or something!

[my_own_advocate]

"And that's a problem?" Lucifer prompted.

He was earnestly trying to figure this out.

[betterthanaplan]

“Apparently?” Duke shrugged. “I can’t really explain it either. I mean it’s also nice to know I’m not alone, but. Yeah, I don’t know. Like if someone else showed up to Port in an old fishing trawler turned live-aboard. That’s my thing.”

[my_own_advocate]

"It's not the best thing to have, though. Is it?" Lucifer said.

[betterthanaplan]

“You two are the first people I’ve found who do more than put up with me even when I’m not useful,” Duke said. “It’s a terrible thing to have. But making the best out of terrible is . . . pretty much how I’ve survived.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Hm," Lucifer said, and squeezed his hand. "Are you a tad antsy about perhaps letting that go?"

[betterthanaplan]

“That’s . . . a possibility.”

It was hitting the nail on the head.

[my_own_advocate]

"Scared of catastrophe?"

[betterthanaplan]

“Scared . . . I’m stuck. Like this.”