The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

"I don't know," Duke admitted. "I'm not sure how well a distraction would work right now. I keep seeing 'complex!' flashing in my mind."

That wasn't a symptom. That was just Duke's way of processing right now.

[my_own_advocate]

"Ah," Lucifer said. "Yes, I don't know of any cure for that bar alcohol."

He did, however, use the excuse to slide his hand in Duke's.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke squeezed his hand in return and offered him a wan smile. “Thanks for offering, anyway.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Just... trying to help," Lucifer said, matching that smile with a small one of his own. "So how do you feel?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shrugged. “Confused? Relieved?” He shook his head. “Vaguely insulted?”

Scared?

“I really don’t know.”

[my_own_advocate]

"The therapist didn't actually call you crazy out loud, did he?" Lucifer checked.

What? 'Insulted' seemed odd in context.

[betterthanaplan]

“Oh god no,” Duke said. “I’m pretty sure he calls it ‘the C word’. I just — it’s common enough to have a name.”

He wasn’t supposed to be common! He was a unique snowflake or something!

[my_own_advocate]

"And that's a problem?" Lucifer prompted.

He was earnestly trying to figure this out.

[betterthanaplan]

“Apparently?” Duke shrugged. “I can’t really explain it either. I mean it’s also nice to know I’m not alone, but. Yeah, I don’t know. Like if someone else showed up to Port in an old fishing trawler turned live-aboard. That’s my thing.”

[my_own_advocate]

"It's not the best thing to have, though. Is it?" Lucifer said.

[betterthanaplan]

“You two are the first people I’ve found who do more than put up with me even when I’m not useful,” Duke said. “It’s a terrible thing to have. But making the best out of terrible is . . . pretty much how I’ve survived.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Hm," Lucifer said, and squeezed his hand. "Are you a tad antsy about perhaps letting that go?"

[betterthanaplan]

“That’s . . . a possibility.”

It was hitting the nail on the head.

[my_own_advocate]

"Scared of catastrophe?"

[betterthanaplan]

“Scared . . . I’m stuck. Like this.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Like what?" Lucifer asked, giving him a little nudge with his shoulder.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke swayed with the nudge and ended up leaning on him. “Feeling crazy.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer's hand slipped away from Duke's, and around Duke's shoulders instead. "You're not," he said. "I can say that much."

[betterthanaplan]

“It definitely doesn’t feel that way.” Duke sighed, dropping his head onto Lucifer’s shoulder. “But if I fix it . . . who will I even be?”

[my_own_advocate]

"Yourself with a great fewer hang-ups and an ability to actually let yourself be happy?" Lucifer offered. His hand came up to rub gently at Duke's shoulder.

[betterthanaplan]

“Well. When you put it that way. . . .”

Duke sighed. He had an idea, one that appealed to him so much it hurt. But one that neither of his partners would like.

“If we go to the Bahamas,” he said, “I want to sail down. Alone. And meet you there.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer tilted his head. "... How long would that take?"

[betterthanaplan]

"If I use the motor when the winds aren't great . . . handful of days. Let's say five."

[my_own_advocate]

"Well," Lucifer said slowly, "That's... less than ideal... for Christmas..."

[betterthanaplan]

"Ah." Duke hadn't thought of that. Christmas was kind of sneaking up on him this year. "Well. Maybe I'll sail back then? I just -- I really want some time alone out on the water. Ideally without you two freaking out the whole time."