The galley of the Cape Rouge, Thursday evening

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had had some time since his last therapist appointment to start slowly processing what his therapist had said. Specifically what the man had said about what he believed was the foundation of Duke's issues. A diagnosis if you will.

Which Duke had finally made time to look up and read about after getting home from the diner. And mull over over a cup of tea.

Sure, it wasn't the first time someone had suggested that he had PTSD. He'd kind of just assumed he had that, by now. But C-PTSD. The complex version. The one most associated with survivors of hostage situations or child abuse.

He sipped his tea and stared into space. And wished it didn't make as much sense to him as it did. Wished he didn't check off quite as many of the usual symptoms as he did.

"Fuck."

[for the partners if they wanna]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

"Sounds like," Duke agreed. "We haven't gone into a lot of detail, yet. He wanted me to process the diagnosis first." Which he was doing so well at! "Step one is about establishing safety, though, which . . . I mean, with Haven? Kind of hard."

[okteiviakom]

"Yeah," Octavia agreed, with a a half-suppressed sigh. "But we can work on it."

How? She wasn't sure, considering how randomly abusive Haven had been over the years.

[betterthanaplan]

"Knowing you two have my back helps," Duke said, reaching for her hand. "The rest . . . we can work on."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Exactly," she said. "Together."

[betterthanaplan]

"Has Luce talked to you about maybe going to the Bahamas soon?" Duke asked, not entirely changing the subject.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia nodded. "Yeah, he did," she said.

Considered what sort of concerns he might have about it.

Added, "I'm okay with it. I'm on board."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded. “Good. I think it’ll be good for us.” He gave her a small smile. “I might . . . I kind of want to sail there on the OceaNyx. And meet you two there.”

That was the part he was really worried about their reactions to.

[okteiviakom]

With good reason.

"... What? Why?"

[betterthanaplan]

“I think a couple of days on the water alone might help me . . . work through some stuff. Without you two getting hit by the crossfire. The boat’s in good shape, and you know I can sail. I can set out and you two can catch a portal later.”

[okteiviakom]

Octavia... really didn't know what to say to that.

Opened her mouth. Closed it again.

[betterthanaplan]

This was frequently when things went sideways. So while Duke tensed, he took a breath.

“Okay, I don’t want to assume. What, uh. What are you thinking?”

[okteiviakom]

"I --"

It was a question easier asked than answered, and even the asking probably hadn't been the easiest.

"I don't want to stop you from doing whatever you feel like you need to do."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded. “But you don’t think it’s a good idea?”

[okteiviakom]

This was exactly the sort of question (and answer) that Octavia had been trying to step past.

But:

"No."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke swallowed. “Okay.” She was being honest. He was staying calm. This was okay. “Let’s talk about that. Maybe . . . maybe we can make this work for both of us.”

[okteiviakom]

"You want to sail alone."

The way Octavia saw it working out was him doing it and her worrying about it.

[betterthanaplan]

Well. Yes. But they could mitigate worry, maybe!

“I do. I used to do it all the time, you know.” He gave her a little smile. “That scares you?”

[okteiviakom]

"You're gonna do it anyway," Octavia replied. Not unkindly, but clearly not comfortable with the conversation, either. Struggling with how to navigate things in ways that didn't involve trying to get her own way and stomping over whatever he wanted. "We don't have to hash it out."

[betterthanaplan]

“I’d like to,” Duke agreed. “But maybe there are things we can do to make it less scary for you. I have a radio, I could contact you guys. There’s GPS, so you can see just where I am.”

[okteiviakom]

"Stop calling me scared," Octavia said, abruptly. So much so it seemed to almost take her by surprise.

At least the tone, so.

"Please."

[betterthanaplan]

Wow. Okay. (She hates you, you're ruining this -- NO. Duke was not going to let the intrusive thoughts win.)

He blinked at her, surprised, and nodded. "Tell me what you're feeling, then?"

[okteiviakom]

"I feel like I don't want to be having this conversation right now," Octavia replied, much more... reasonable in her tone again. "Do what you want, just -- stay in contact enough we know you're not gone."

As he'd already offered, so that was agreement, sort of.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke opened his mouth, twitching his head in a little shake. Then closed it again.

"Okay," he said after a moment. "Can we talk about why you won't talk to me about your feelings instead?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia was pretty sure she had, in fact, just done that. It felt like she had, anyway.

"What?"

[betterthanaplan]

"I've been trying to get a sense of where you're at and every time I ask a direct question, you seem to dodge and just say I'm going to do it anyway so it doesn't matter." Duke wanted to reach for her hand, but that way lay flinches and possible rejections. So he just held his out instead. "It does matter. I don't want to hurt you with this. It's . . . really frustrating. I'm trying really hard to not just make this about what I want and need."