The Cape Rouge, Port of Fandom, Monday

[betterthanaplan]

Right. So. This morning was a thing that had happened. On the one hand, Octavia seemed ready to talk, finally. On the other, it felt like Duke had just played "swap the important person in your life who's pissed at you".

"I'll make some coffee," Duke said, leading Octavia into the galley. "And . . . breakfast? Maybe?"

[for the girl]

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[okteiviakom]

"Yes."

Octavia hadn't touched anything at all on the table. Now it seemed unlikely that she would.

Flatly, she added, "It wasn't my first choice."

[betterthanaplan]

"Tell me, then," Duke said. "Tell me why."

[okteiviakom]

"Same thing happened on the Ark," Octavia said. "The people that went through it, they had a choice. And with their choice came guilt that the entire generation never recovered from."

She shook her head.

"I didn't want that for my people. I couldn't let them go through that."

[betterthanaplan]

And here. This was the sticking point for Duke. Because while he understood what she was saying intellectually, his gut still rebelled at the idea of taking away people's choices. He bit his lip hard and forced himself not to look away. Not to bristle. He took another long, measured breath.

"Did it work?"

[okteiviakom]

"You weren't there," Octavia said mildly, off that look. Even with how he tried to hold his reaction back, it didn't take a genius to figure out this was one, if not even the thing he had trouble understanding.

And how would he?

As for his actual question...

"They don't blame themselves," she continued. "They blame me." Even the people who'd pushed her into it in the first place. "They can rest easier because they have someone they can point to that forced their hand. So, yes."

[betterthanaplan]

And people said Duke had a martyr complex.

Another measured breath.

"I wasn't there," he agreed. "I can't -- I have no idea how I would have reacted if I was. I do know I'm sorry you had to take all that on, though."

[okteiviakom]

"That was my choice."

Mostly.

Eventually.

[betterthanaplan]

It didn't sound to Duke like anyone made any real choices in all this.

But he was listening. Not judging.

"It explains a lot," he said instead. "Kind of -- everything. Since you've been back."

[okteiviakom]

"Does it?"

Octavia had a lot of trouble seeing herself from the outside. Always had.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded. "Especially the . . . the nightmare stuff. You didn't want me to see any of that, right?"

[okteiviakom]

"Of course not," Octavia said, shakinh her head just a little, then looking off past his shoulder. "Still wish you didn't know, if I'm honest."

Even though she knew it was better that he did.

At least now he could make his own mind up about her, and she could stop feeling like she was lying to him just by being around him at all.

[betterthanaplan]

"I get that," Duke said. He reached for her hand. "But I'm glad I know now. I think -- maybe knowing you were keeping this secret, and knowing that you weren't keeping it from Lucifer -- it felt like you were leaving me behind. And I couldn't do anything about it."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia let him take her hand, though hers stayed still.

Let him come to her, so to speak.

"And I was just trying to keep you close," she said, quieter now.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke let out a faint rueful laugh. “I’d say that wasn’t the way to do it, but — well, it’s not like I really proved you wrong, is it.”

[okteiviakom]

"Yeah," Octavia muttered. On both points, probably.

But she was thinking about Lucifer again, as she let her gaze drop to their joined hands.

[betterthanaplan]

"I'm sorry," Duke said again, misinterpreting that gaze drop. "I really am. I should have -- have at least tried to call you, after I calmed down."

Things had gotten busy for him pretty quickly, but that wasn't much of an excuse.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's fingers twitched against his hand. Then she went for a squeeze. Right now, every little touch felt bigger than they were.

"I should have, too."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shook his head. "You thought I kicked you out. I wouldn't have tried to call back after that."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia hummed vaguely, because she couldn't really argue with that. She hadn't wanted to call him, not after that.

"You saw the worst of what I think about myself," she muttered.

That she'd shoved it all onto an imagined version of Pike didn't mean it wasn't all really straight from her.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke studied her for a long moment.

"I also saw you stand up and fight back."

You know, when he wasn't busy hiding his head and trying not to throw up.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's voice didn't get any clearer. Nor did she look up.

"Didn't think you saw that part."

His reaction certainly hadn't given that away.

[betterthanaplan]

"I was kind of trying not to by that point," Duke confessed. "And I didn't really realize what it was until . . . kind of just now."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia kept looking at their hands. "I can't actually separate me from her," she said, flat again. She'd thought a lot about that whole hallucination, about what it said. What it meant. "There was never a her."

[betterthanaplan]

“No,” Duke agreed. “But you’re not the same you you were when you were her, are you?”

[okteiviakom]

"How could I be?"

The question was mild and rhetorical. She had people here, in the way she hadn't for years before her return.

"People want something different from me here."