American Visionary Art Museum, Baltimore, Wednesday

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked up thoughtfully at the fifteen foot pink poodle that stared out through the windowed wall opposite the front doors to the American Visionary Art Museum. The wall behind him glinted in the bright sunlight, thanks to the massive mosaic that covered it, made of broken glass, metal, and miscellaneous found objects.

"This is already my favorite art museum, ever."

[for him who is downtown with him, or texts or calls or what-have-you!]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

"I keep thinking --" He cut himself off and shook his head. "It's stupid."

[my_own_advocate]

"No, tell me," Lucifer said, watching his face.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke closed his eyes. Took a long breath. Braced himself to feel small.

“I keep thinking —“ His throat locked down. He swallowed and forced himself to say it, even as his voice cracked. “‘How is that not enough.’”

A small shudder ran through him as he lost the battle not to keep couching his feelings in excuses or denials.

“Like I said: it’s stupid. Like she’d stay on the island because I haven’t earned her or something.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer gave Duke's fingers a firm squeeze. And-- actually looked at the artwork, this time.

"I think," he said slowly, "that Octavia's never had a partner before and she's having a devil of a time learning how to."

Well. At least this thing wasn't ugly as sin.

"That sometimes you have to find ways to let people know that you choose them, even when it's difficult for you. You do it all the time, you can't help yourself. It's not-- strange feeling like something's off if you don't have it returned. Like it's your fault."

A pause. "It's not, obviously."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke huffed softly. “You know, I actually managed to stop for awhile. Turn off the part of me that wants to do anything to make someone else happy. Trick was, not to let anyone in.”

He opened his eyes and flicked a glance at Lucifer, squeezing his hand, then went back to studying the art.

“Then I got to Fandom. Where everyone wears their everything on their sleeve. Sometimes whether we like it or not.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, everything is debatable," Lucifer said, "But I see your point. Got you on the hook with freebies, did it."

[betterthanaplan]

“Guess so, yeah.” Duke sucked in a breath through his teeth. “And then I met her.”

[my_own_advocate]

"Heard fragments of that story," Lucifer said, mostly to fill the space while Duke worked his way to-- wherever.

[betterthanaplan]

“Thought she was too young for me at first,” Duke said. “I tried really hard to think of her as, like, a little sister or something. But she kept showing up, especially when I was feeling down, and the spark was so clearly there.”

[my_own_advocate]

"She has always been persistent, to say the least," Lucifer said, mouth curving. "Honestly, I'd have expected you two to jump each other in week one."

[betterthanaplan]

“She’d just turned 21,” Duke said. “And I work very hard not to be creepy.”

He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand.

“I know this isn’t her fault. I know she’s depressed. And working on getting better. But since she came back this summer — it’s like I don’t get anything from her. And I know love isn’t, like, some barter system of even exchanges or anything. I know that.”

No one had ever offered him as much back as he gave them, after all. Not his parents, not Nathan or Evi, not Audrey.

No one but Octavia, when she convinced him love was real.

Duke’s breath shook on his next inhale, and the hand on his neck started picking at the short hairs below his ponytail.

“But — man, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

[my_own_advocate]

Any comments pointing out that the age difference between Lucifer and literally anyone else he'd ever slept with was vastly greater than that died about midway into the rest of what Duke was saying.

Curiously, the rest of it made him feel something almost like fear. He didn't understand that at all. Coupled with it was an impulse to let go of Duke's hand, but he stopped himself from doing so just in time.

The rest of him felt deeply out of his depth, and he was silent as he stared at the picture and groped for anything he'd ever been through that might be helpful.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke would not have interpreted Lucifer letting his hand go well just now, no.

“I feel like an asshole saying that,” he said, once it was clear Lucifer wasn’t going to speak yet. “You don’t just break up with someone because they’re depressed.”

And he loved her, and didn’t want to lose her.

[my_own_advocate]

The silence lasted just a bit longer.

"You know," Lucifer said at last, sounding unsure, as if he was figuring out every word right before he said it. "You wouldn't have liked me five years ago."

He wasn't sure where he was going with this, yet. Just-- thinking.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked over at him, surprised.

It was his turn to silently wait, to see where this was going.

[my_own_advocate]

"When I decided to stay on Earth, I thought I had it all figured out," Lucifer said. "I would cast off the chains my Father had put on my heart and soul, disdainfully wave my angelic nature out the door, and in doing so, I would be free. Not just of Hell, but of everything--"

He sucked in a breath.

"Of all that everyt-- of all that trauma," he said, switching to-- a more honest word. "So I partied for years and while sometimes one of you humans couldn't help but tug at my heartstrings, most of the time, I didn't care if it hurt anyone. Whatever I wanted to do seemed magnitudes greater than what other people might need from me."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke didn't think that sounded so much like someone he wouldn't like. It did sound like someone he'd have just slept with on occasion without worrying about any closer attachments, though.

"So . . . what changed?" he asked, rather than say that out loud. (He didn't like thinking about not feeling . . . attached . . . to Lucifer.) "Was it Chloe?"

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer made a soft noise of affirmation. "Something about her made me want to care more," he said. "See, I hadn't freed myself from my pain, all this-- running around chasing things I wanted, that felt like I needed them, that-- was actually a part of it. Of pain. And self-loathing, obviously, as we found out last year."

He cleared his throat.

"But wanting to care doesn't make you better at it," he said. "I had to learn to see past my pain so I could be a good partner to the Detective. A better friend to-- an alarmingly increasing amount of people. And while I was learning, I hurt them. Quite a bit."

[betterthanaplan]

"So . . . I need to be patient with Octavia, because she's still learning." Duke nodded. "Yeah, kinda been doing that for awhile now."

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer sighed. "No," he said. That word came quick.

The rest of it, less so.

"I mean, ideally, you would be patient with her," he said. "But times are never ideal, and it's right to say it when it's unfair to you, no matter how big and sad her eyes might get. You know--" His eyes darted to Duke, then back to the art, "You are an incredible human being. It's like every time someone inflicts pain on you, you come back determined to care more. And you already know I worry-- I worry you're going to snuff yourself out doing it."

[betterthanaplan]

"Not every time," Duke said softly. "Not every person."

He watched Lucifer for a very long time, debating whether or not to finish voicing his thoughts out loud. Debating how Lucifer would take it.

If he'd end up scaring the man off. Or revealing more than he meant to.

Finally, he took a deep breath and thought fuck it. If this burned everything down he'd just -- have to deal.

"Just. With the people I love."

[my_own_advocate]

"Yes, well. Those can hurt you the worst," Lucifer said quietly.

Perhaps whatever implications laid in Duke's words had simply bounced off of his dense head. Or perhaps they'd gone where they did whenever Octavia was explicit about it, that tiny place deep inside of himself labeled unworthy where pretty declarations went to die.

Whichever it was, he didn't seem rattled. Just thoughtful.

"I'm not saying you should break up with her, to be clear," he said. "Just that I understand, I suppose. Why something like this makes you feel that way."

[betterthanaplan]

Well. At least Duke hadn't scared him off.

He looked at the art again.

"What do you think I should do?"

[my_own_advocate]

"In case you didn't realize from my prior monologue, I'm generally more on the Octavia end of these kinds of problems," Lucifer pointed out. "But... I do know she knows she did wrong, here. So you should at least talk to her, and..."

And what?

Could he think of anything else that might be helpful?

"And focus more on the things that make you happy that don't revolve around her, I suppose."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke huffed softly through his nose. "Saying stuff like that is how you'll end up dragged out on a fishing boat later."