Dr. Linda Martin's office, Baltimore, Friday

[betterthanaplan]

Duke's regular therapy appointments tended to meander around the day of the week, but he'd managed to be in Linda's office pretty much weekly. And he was there today, slouched on her couch, wondering when this whole therapy process would feel less like he was auditioning for something.

At some point this would feel normal, right?

Right?

[for the doctor, natch, and likely some slowplay!]

Comments

[exasperangel]

Well, that was up to him.

Linda smiled at him, folding her hands over her notepad. "Good afternoon, Duke," she said. "How are you doing today?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke fidgeted a moment, then spread his hands. "Oh, you know. On edge, trying not to sabotage my own chill . . . the usual."

At least he'd stopped claiming to be 'fine'.

[exasperangel]

"Ah," Linda said, her voice full of faint amusement. "Why are you trying to sabotage yourself this time?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Trying not to," Duke said, then leaned back with a sigh. "Lucifer and Octavia . . . looked at me. Lovingly. At the same time."

Wow, it sounded even dumber when he said it out loud.

[exasperangel]

Linda had enough expertise in... let's not call it 'dumbass'... not to let any real reaction shine through. "And how did that make you feel?" she asked instead.

It was a cliche, but sometimes it was also just what you needed to ask.

[betterthanaplan]

"Weird." Duke shook his head. "LIke . . . ruined the moment weird. It got all awkward and then Lucifer had to go and call out that it had gotten all awkward which only made it more awkward."

[exasperangel]

"Of course he did," Linda said dryly. She tapped her pen against the pad. "Have you thought about why it made you feel weird yet?"

[betterthanaplan]

"It was --" Duke started, then paused, frowning. "I wasn't -- trying. To get them to look at me like that. It, I don't know, surprised me."

[exasperangel]

"Because you were getting positive attention without working for it?" Linda asked. It was a rephrase, really.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked away, eyebrows lowering. He'd learned not to try and say anything made him sound "pathetic" in here, too, though he still felt like they did.

"I guess."

[exasperangel]

"Why does that bother you?" Linda asked gently.

[betterthanaplan]

"Fuck if I know," Duke said. (It wasn't entirely true.) "I mean, that's, what. The goal, right? People liking you and not just some performance you're putting on?"

[exasperangel]

"For most people it is," Linda agreed. She studied Duke. "Do you think you're scared of it?"

[betterthanaplan]

"No," Duke scoffed. Then he actually let himself think about it, his lips twitching. "Shit, I don't know." He rubbed a hand down his face. "I'm just not used to it. Before Fandom, the only attention I'd get without trying for it was people thinking I was up to no good."

Or people ogling him, which he'd usually then lean into.

[exasperangel]

"So you don't know how to react to it," Linda said, tilting her head. "Or how to hold on to it...?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Both?" Duke said. "And then Lucifer kept poking at it, telling me to own up to being awkward instead of trying to just change the subject on my own."

[exasperangel]

"Which can't have made you feel better," Linda said, nodding.

[betterthanaplan]

"You don't get rid of attention-based awkwardness with more attention," Duke agreed. "Thank you. He's always so . . . sure of everything. Makes it hard to argue."

[exasperangel]

"You know it's a defense mechanism," Linda said wryly. "When he's unsure, when he's not moving, he falls apart."

She scribbled something quickly on her pad. "But let's get back to you," she said. "Did you think about it again later? What you should have done, or what you might have wanted to do in the moment if you hadn't been caught by such surprise?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Yeah." Duke nodded. "A little. When I wasn't cringing from leftover embarrassment. I guess. . . . I would have just looked back. Luce and Tavi know I love them, but I wish I could have just let them know then anyway."

[exasperangel]

"But you couldn't, in the moment," Linda said. She studied him more closely. "Because you were..." She reconsidered. "You keep using the word embarrassed," she said. "We usually feel embarrassed because we are ashamed of something. Like... being seen. Being found wanting for what other people see."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke looked away again.

"They think I'm loveable," he said softly. "I mean, I know they love me. I guess I'm embarrassed that it surprised me."

He was an entire grown ass adult. With two partners, with whom he'd soon be celebrating a major anniversary. Being loved shouldn't have been surprising.

[exasperangel]

"You say you know, but do you ever wonder about that?" Linda asked gently. "Whether it's true?"

[betterthanaplan]

The way Duke's brows crumpled together when she asked was probably answer enough.

"You -- you think they might be lying?"

[exasperangel]

"Lucifer doesn't lie," Linda pointed out, knitting her fingers together. "And your Octavia sounds like someone who wouldn't lie about that. And you know that. Intellectually."