Dr. Linda Martin's office, Baltimore, Friday

[betterthanaplan]

Duke's regular therapy appointments tended to meander around the day of the week, but he'd managed to be in Linda's office pretty much weekly. And he was there today, slouched on her couch, wondering when this whole therapy process would feel less like he was auditioning for something.

At some point this would feel normal, right?

Right?

[for the doctor, natch, and likely some slowplay!]

Comments

[exasperangel]

"How does it feel now?" Linda asked. "When you go loud and charm or irritate someone into going your way?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shook his head. "I don't know, it --" He was going to say it didn't feel like anything, but suddenly knew it wasn't true. "It feels good," he said. "Like I'm winning or something."

[exasperangel]

"Playing the game right?" Linda suggested.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shrugged and nodded. "Yeah. Sounds about right."

[exasperangel]

"But that's not real, though," Linda said, peering at him through her glasses. "Is it?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shrugged. "It was all I had. Seemed real enough."

Emphasis on the past tense.

[exasperangel]

It sounded like a pyramid scheme to her.

"Are you still playing the game with Octavia and Lucifer, Duke?" Linda asked him.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shrank in on himself a little.

"I don't want to. But . . . I'm not always sure how to tell the difference."

[exasperangel]

"But you are sometimes?" Linda prodded gently.

[betterthanaplan]

"I think so?" Duke shook his head. "It's like you said. I now Luce and Tavi mean it. I know that's real. Intellectually. Mostly."

[exasperangel]

"Tell me about a time you actually knew it wasn't because of the game," Linda said.

Lingering for too long on the negative things with Duke, she'd found, gave him so much rope to hang himself with. It wasn't useful.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke thought for a long moment.

“The first time Octavia said it. I — wasn’t ready. At all. I’d just been rescued from a fucking volcano, I was half-awake at best. I wasn’t up to playing at anything. And . . . she said she loved me.”

[exasperangel]

"And you had to believe her," Linda guessed, "Because you couldn't do anything and she still said it."

[betterthanaplan]

“Um, well. First I asked her ‘why’,” Duke admitted. “I didn’t want to believe her. Because the only other person who’s said that just wanted to use me. But — yeah. Looking back. . . . I think it scared me because I did believe it.”

[exasperangel]

"That gives her power," Linda noted. "If she loves you for reasons you didn't orchestrate or control."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke swallowed thickly, looking down at his knees.

[exasperangel]

"And that's scary," Linda said, voice growing softer, "Because previously when you didn't have that control, people didn't seem to care about you. So if you're not actively doing anything to make her care, she might stop caring some day. Is that what you're worried about?"

[betterthanaplan]

“Fuck,” Duke said. He ran his hand through his hair, tugging on his ponytail. “Maybe. Yeah.”

[exasperangel]

Linda should probably get him some kind of stress toy for when he was here, didn't she?

"What does your rational self think about that thought?" she asked.

[betterthanaplan]

Might be a good plan, yeah.

“That I’m a paranoid idiot?”

[exasperangel]

"That's actually also not a very rational thought," Linda pointed out. "Or at the very least, an unhelpful one."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke rolled his eyes, looking tired. "Maybe I'm not a rational being."

[exasperangel]

"We all have our rational minds, including you," Linda said lightly. "When our feelings override them in unhealthy ways, that's a sign we need to figure out how to let our rationality and our emotions speak to each other better."

She tapped her notepad.

"That's why I ask," she said. "We're not going to fix you feeling this way with a snap of our fingers. You have to stop and ask yourself the same questions I keep asking you. Why do you feel this way? Where does it come from? How realistic is this thought? Without judgment."

[betterthanaplan]

"Without judgement," Duke echoed. "Even when it's stupid. Or -- what's the word -- self-sabotaging?"

[exasperangel]

"Yes," Linda said. "You feel the way you do for a reason, Duke, not because you're stupid or wrong. The idea is..." She waved her pen through the air. "There are basically two kinds of feelings," she said. "The feelings you have in the moment, what we call 'natural feelings'. And then there's the feelings you reinforce through your thinking. Stuck feelings. A lot of people with post-traumatic stress disorder, like you, have stuck feelings that have been lodged in place so long, you don't even know they're there anymore."

She looked Duke in the eye.

"What we want to do is make sure those stuck feelings come loose, so you can feel them and let them fade away naturally," she said. "But we don't actually control how we feel, so lecturing ourselves on why our feelings are dumb doesn't help. What we can change is the thinking that keeps those feelings locked in place."