The Cape Rouge, Port of Fandom, Monday

[betterthanaplan]

Right. So. This morning was a thing that had happened. On the one hand, Octavia seemed ready to talk, finally. On the other, it felt like Duke had just played "swap the important person in your life who's pissed at you".

"I'll make some coffee," Duke said, leading Octavia into the galley. "And . . . breakfast? Maybe?"

[for the girl]

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[okteiviakom]

Octavia wanted to ask whether they'd been farmers.

But she knew better than that.

And lighter questions wouldn't make this any easier. "We already had the fighting pits."

[betterthanaplan]

"How did those get started?"

[okteiviakom]

Something in Octavia's tone softened. Probably didn't make sense from the outside. "Death had to be the enemy," she said. "Bunker was overcrowded from the start. There had to be... consequences. For going against the common good."

She chewed on her lip again.

"But I didn't want us to be exactly like the Ark. People had to have a -- a chance."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke didn't know if that was any better than what the Ark did. But he also had no idea how he could have done any different.

He didn't say any of that. He'd promised to listen, and that was what he was determined to do.

"What, uh. What did you do to the losers? Before the soybeans failed?"

[okteiviakom]

"Honored them with whatever burial rites we could."

The bunker hadn't been very good for most things people had been accustomed to from before.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded again. "And, uh. Then you honored them . . . differently."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's gaze was briefly a little more sharp.

"They died so we could live," she said. "Omon gon oson."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke swallowed and set his coffee aside.

He had not put that together yet.

"Right," he said. He wasn't judging. He was just listening. "And that -- not, uh. Honoring them. That became a crime for the pits?"

[okteiviakom]

"Yes."

Octavia hadn't touched anything at all on the table. Now it seemed unlikely that she would.

Flatly, she added, "It wasn't my first choice."

[betterthanaplan]

"Tell me, then," Duke said. "Tell me why."

[okteiviakom]

"Same thing happened on the Ark," Octavia said. "The people that went through it, they had a choice. And with their choice came guilt that the entire generation never recovered from."

She shook her head.

"I didn't want that for my people. I couldn't let them go through that."

[betterthanaplan]

And here. This was the sticking point for Duke. Because while he understood what she was saying intellectually, his gut still rebelled at the idea of taking away people's choices. He bit his lip hard and forced himself not to look away. Not to bristle. He took another long, measured breath.

"Did it work?"

[okteiviakom]

"You weren't there," Octavia said mildly, off that look. Even with how he tried to hold his reaction back, it didn't take a genius to figure out this was one, if not even the thing he had trouble understanding.

And how would he?

As for his actual question...

"They don't blame themselves," she continued. "They blame me." Even the people who'd pushed her into it in the first place. "They can rest easier because they have someone they can point to that forced their hand. So, yes."

[betterthanaplan]

And people said Duke had a martyr complex.

Another measured breath.

"I wasn't there," he agreed. "I can't -- I have no idea how I would have reacted if I was. I do know I'm sorry you had to take all that on, though."

[okteiviakom]

"That was my choice."

Mostly.

Eventually.

[betterthanaplan]

It didn't sound to Duke like anyone made any real choices in all this.

But he was listening. Not judging.

"It explains a lot," he said instead. "Kind of -- everything. Since you've been back."

[okteiviakom]

"Does it?"

Octavia had a lot of trouble seeing herself from the outside. Always had.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded. "Especially the . . . the nightmare stuff. You didn't want me to see any of that, right?"

[okteiviakom]

"Of course not," Octavia said, shakinh her head just a little, then looking off past his shoulder. "Still wish you didn't know, if I'm honest."

Even though she knew it was better that he did.

At least now he could make his own mind up about her, and she could stop feeling like she was lying to him just by being around him at all.

[betterthanaplan]

"I get that," Duke said. He reached for her hand. "But I'm glad I know now. I think -- maybe knowing you were keeping this secret, and knowing that you weren't keeping it from Lucifer -- it felt like you were leaving me behind. And I couldn't do anything about it."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia let him take her hand, though hers stayed still.

Let him come to her, so to speak.

"And I was just trying to keep you close," she said, quieter now.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke let out a faint rueful laugh. “I’d say that wasn’t the way to do it, but — well, it’s not like I really proved you wrong, is it.”

[okteiviakom]

"Yeah," Octavia muttered. On both points, probably.

But she was thinking about Lucifer again, as she let her gaze drop to their joined hands.

[betterthanaplan]

"I'm sorry," Duke said again, misinterpreting that gaze drop. "I really am. I should have -- have at least tried to call you, after I calmed down."

Things had gotten busy for him pretty quickly, but that wasn't much of an excuse.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's fingers twitched against his hand. Then she went for a squeeze. Right now, every little touch felt bigger than they were.

"I should have, too."